(NOTE TO READERS: SOME OF THE FOLLOWING IS SATIRE)
March 23, 2017
Washington (AP) – In the wake of terror attacks throughout Europe, including the March 2017 ISIS assault on the Parliament building in London, many Americans believed it could never happen here. They were wrong.
In a series of attacks yesterday, portions of Honolulu, Seattle, and Chicago have been cordoned off until authorities have finished collecting evidence.
In Honolulu, the motive of Mohammad Awad Basara, a British-born Mexican national, is still unknown. At approximately 7:30 PM Aleutian Standard Time, Basara drove a stolen dune buggy at high speeds across Waikiki Beach killing three people and injuring dozens.
In Seattle, authorities are engaged in a statewide manhunt for Mohammad Hadad Totah, an undocumented white male from New York City, who is described as having tan skin. At 2:42 PM Pacific Time, Totah used a rusty machete to violently attack a gathering of young girls at Northgate Mall who received a Tweet that Snoop Dog was there filming a music video for his new hit song, “Nazi Trumpa Lumpa Bing Bang Bitch”. Seven girls were killed and 14 were injured, including three with permanently disfiguring facial wounds.
In Chicago, at 11:52 AM Central Time, Mohammad Antar Almasi, a French Nationalist visiting from Paris who recently lived in Syria, detonated a series of homemade explosive devices throughout Chicago’s Millennium Park and surrounding areas. Seven people were killed, including a toddler and a baby while 23 are being treated for injuries. At this time authorities refuse to speculate on any possible motive.
This morning, FBI Director, James Comey, held a press conference and assured the nation that none of the violence in all three cities was related. According to Comey: “Yesterday’s three separate circumstances of horrific bloodshed appeared to be the result of lone wolf attacks by adherents to nationalist ideologies.”
Although various white supremacists in the Alt-Right movement are using yesterday’s attacks to spread false narratives on Fake News websites, the actual investigations still remain under way.
Senator Rand Paul, of Kentucky, held a press conference at Noon today and spoke regarding the irony of the attacks in Hawaii and Washington as states where federal judges countermanded President Donald Trump’s initial executive orders on immigration earlier this year.
Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif.), the House Intelligence Committee’s ranking Democrat, voiced frustration on Wednesday over Trump’s security leaks throughout all 16 Intelligence Agencies and alluded that Russia may even have played some role in the attacks. Before an emergency meeting of the Intelligence Committee, Schiff asked reporters: “If America burns, who benefits?” before adding: “Vladimir Putin, that’s who”.
According to the New York Times:
We don’t know yet what unfolded, and raw intelligence is often wrong. But the issue cries out for a careful, public and bipartisan investigation by an independent commission.
Historian Douglas Brinkley has also told the Washington Post: “There’s a smell of treason in the air”.
Authorities in Honolulu, Seattle and Chicago are advising residents to avoid areas where the attacks took place and to monitor the local news for updates.