February 13, 2017

by Uncola:

In a flurry of hectic activity, the patient was brought in for emergency surgery. She was very obese, wearing a rumpled frock the size of a red, white and blue tarp over her entire, engorged body. A photo of the Statue of Liberty stretched out on the cloth above her sagging breasts over words written in a bold font, that said: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free”.

The doctor entered the room, arms raised, as the nurse assisted in sheathing his hands with disposable polymer gloves.

“What do we have here?” the doctor asked in a professional manner.

“Overweight female, difficulty breathing,” said the nurse. Driver’s license says she was born July 4th, 1776. Must be a misprint.”

“Well, judging by the looks of her, maybe she is over 240 years old”, replied the doctor with a sarcastic smirk. “What does her blood work show?”

Hurriedly, the nurse called up the woman’s chart on a laptop and said: “A remnant of free radicals engaging an aggressively spreading virus, Zoloft and Zyprexa for depression, Diazepam for anxiety, Desoxyn for weight loss and all mixed together with a nice blend of Five O’clock Vodka and Budweiser.”

Looking over the patient, the doctor responded: “Vodka, huh? Fucking Russians.”

“Hey, wait a minute, haven’t we seen this patient before?”

The nurse replied: “Yes sir, in 2008. She almost died but received an emergency TARP injection followed by a monthly regimen of 80 billigrams of Fedpetrodollars over the last eight years.   In November of 2016, it looks like she started on that new treatment called Trumphoria but when it actually started taking effect in January, an ongoing series of allergic, viral reactions took place.

“Does she have insurance?” the doctor queried.

The nurse searched the notes and said: “No. It looks like she flies without a parachute. She hasn’t even paid her Obamacare penalties for the last three years. But when she was awake earlier she did say she draws disability and pays rent to a Chinese landlord. She also said her personal debts exceed her annual income and she overdraws her bank account every month.”

“Hmmmnnn” said the doctor as he opened each of the patient’s fat, painted eyelids to shine his pencil light into her dilated pupils.

“Can she be saved doctor?” asked the nurse with a concerned look on her face.

“I am afraid not” replied the doctor in a matter-of-fact way. “I have seen cases like this before where the Socialistic virus takes hold and propagates rapidly in a corrupt internal environment until, eventually, the various systems break down. Since the early 2000s, I have studied cases in Argentina and Venezuela and, invariably, there is no cure once the virus growth begins to overtake the amount of free radicals.”

“But look doctor!” the nurse exclaimed. “According to this chart, the free radicals are holding the line and even adapting in order to better fight against the virus. The Trumphoria treatment seems to be working!”

“Indeed” the doctor responded. “But if you look under here, you will see the virus exponentially growing, like yeast. Soon, the free radicals will begin to aggressively overtake the virus, but because the infection is so deeply entrenched within all of the patient’s systems, she will not be able to withstand the internal violence. In every possible scenario, the patient will eventually die.”

“But doctor”, said the nurse, “Look at this photo of her from her purse; it’s from when she was young.”

“Ahhh yes”, the doctor replied. “I remember her now. They called her Lady Liberty and she was beautiful and free. She even experienced a brief bout of gender dysphoria years ago, called herself “Uncle Sam” and joined to fight wars on foreign shores. But, look at her now. The ravages of the Socialistic virus are such a terrible sight to behold.”

“I know,” said the nurse. She reminds me of the people I see at Walmart.”

“It is sad,” the doctor said with a sigh, “that an antidote like Trumphoria wasn’t implemented earlier. This patient might have had a chance. Look at her brain scans right here. Do you see these vacant areas? It’s similar to what we see in Alzheimer’s patients when people forget who they are. They can’t remember their own history and even invent false historical narratives to support their strange and harmful worldviews.”

“But this isn’t Alzheimer’s?” asked the nurse.

“No. This appears to be a very well-defined case of Federalized Educationalitus.”

“Federalized Educationalitus?” asked the nurse.

“Yes.” said the doctor. “The ravages you see here, and here, are the direct result of a contagious condition that allows the Socialist virus to exponentially propagate within the brain. This, in turn, causes each successive generational turning to diminish intelligence.”

“How long does this patient have, doctor?”

“Well, you said the Trumphoria took effect in January, correct?”

“That’s right,” said the nurse.

“In that case” replied the doctor, “my best guess would be to see the beginning-of-the-end as early as eight months. Could be sooner, maybe later.”

“So soon?” asked the nurse.

“Yes. The Trumphoria treatment is a modern course of action that very much resembles what we once called The Hoover Approach. Both use protectionist measures designed to put the patient ‘first’ by avoiding foreign entanglements, and engaging in infrastructure rebuilding while limiting foreign invasion of non-assimilating migrations.”

“Could it work?”

“Well” replied the doctor, “perhaps, if the patient’s systems weren’t so damaged. Then maybe the allergic reactions could be minimized. The Trumphoria treatment is new, so we’ll just have to see how it plays out. However, the Hoover Approach caused the patient to begin death spasms within eight months.”

“Is there anything that can be done, doctor?”

“Look at her, nurse. Do you think she’s worth saving?”

“Shouldn’t we at least try?” the nurse queried.

“In my professional opinion, I don’t think she can be saved”, said the doctor. All we can do at this point is to try and mitigate any residual damage to the baby”.

“The BABY??!!” screamed the nurse.

“She’s pregnant” replied the doctor calmly. “The birth pains are about to start.”

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